The beginning of this year feels different.

I lost my aunt 4 days into the new year. Paranasal sinus cancer had spread to her brain, and the doctors said it was too late for any treatment. I wish it was a bad dream. She had been like a mother to me. When I was growing up, both of my parents frequently worked seven days a week, so my aunt would take care of me and my brother on most weekends. When I left Thailand three years ago for my MFA, I gave my aunt a hug goodbye, not knowing it meant forever. While I grieve her loss, a part of me still feels like she should be there when I return.

At the same time, I feel the kindness of God in all of this. My aunt didn’t experience the level of pain typically associated with this type of cancer, and she found peace in a belief in Jesus through her diagnosis. The hopefulness surrounding her loss also inspired my other aunts and uncle to want to hear more about God.

It feels to me like an end and a beginning at the same time. I look at life a little differently and say “I love you” a little more unsparingly.

It was a full moon on the night that she passed. I remember my aunt mentioning how she did not like her name because it sounds old-fashioned. Her name, จันทร์เพ็ญ means “full moon.” Now that I am older, I think it’s a beautiful name and it suits her. I know I will miss her every time I see the moon. In fact, I will miss her everyday.